Had a good long day with Levi. First, we met with his mom and stepdad at his Nonno’s nursing home. No pictures on that. He was nervous, his nonno has dementia, so I sat nearest his nonno and talked to him the most. I’ve worked in long term care foreverrrr and it comes naturally to me. People with cognitive delays just want to feel included, and not infantilized. The biggest obstacle is overcoming your own discomfort, or having a suspension of disbelief in knowing your loved one may not understand everything you’re saying anymore.

I miss one of the residents in particular at my last job as a receptionist. I think about him at least once a week. He visited my desk every time I was in, just to talk or have me make copies of his math work. He was an engineer from Lebanon and studied at MIT, but suffered a stroke about a year before I met him that left him without use of his right arm and an impaired memory/cognition. We would talk and talk, or he would talk and I would listen, and I would help him make his coffee. I wonder if he remembers me, and consequently, wonders where I am, or misses me. I feel bad for leaving so abruptly and not saying goodbye. When I left it was just about mutual so I felt uncomfortable returning to visit. I just hope he’s well. It would be selfish of me to visit now, because I don’t think I would maintain them.

Jeez. Back to the day. We went thrifting at this handful of buildings all sat together in Norwood. I found my mom there, Levi doesn’t think it looks like my mom, and spoiler alert, my mom doesn’t think it looks like her,

but I was so drawn to it I was almost to tears at the thought of leaving it behind. My mom has short hair with bangs, what I think is described as a hawk or roman nose, and kind beautiful eyes. Just like her! So I bought it. I also bought some other things but I haven’t taken pictures yet.

After that we went to a fire with Levi’s friends. I had my days confused; I didn’t break stuff and become one with water this day. But I’m going to talk about that instead. I drove Levi around Taunton and talked about my local stories. I took him to the bird sanctuary and we sat on the little dock and smoked for a while. It was super, super nice.

Then we passed a rage room on the way home and did that for the first time. Somewhat gratifying. Hitting glass bottles with bats, having Levi throw the bottle and then hitting it with a bat. It was new. The bird sanctuary was the highlight. I haven’t been there in years since Boley or Ash would take me. Like, years and years.

It was a really good day/s.

I like doing that. I do that less now that I have a boyfriend; we live together (sort of, he rents a room downstairs in my house until we can move out together) and it’d be weird to not take him with me, nor do I like to go alone usually if he’s there. Why would I? He’s my BFF. But theres times when I enjoy going out alone, as if it’s me against the world again (it never was). This is all to say I went to the mall yesterday and bought a notebook and pen, as one does when they pursue productivity without making any significant action towards it. But I do do things fr!! I took my notebook with me to work today to jot ideas about this blog.

More importantly I went to Davio’s for a late lunch and they had baked alaska. I had the pleasure of eating baked alaska once in my life. It was sixth grade and Jocelyn Abdallah’s parents made some for Mrs. Freelove’s class. That shit was so good. So fucking good. So when the server came out with the dessert cart and she said baked alaska? I cut her off in excitement and said “Baked alaska?! :0” and lo and behold.

Look at that. It was even better than I remembered. The marshmallow stuff. Wow. I saved half for my boyfriend it was so good. But then I ate half of his half that night. It’s the thought that counts, I think.

There’s no expectations when you’re going out by yourself. No schedule aligning, umms and uhhs while you subtly prod to find out what the other person really wants to do. I can stand and stare at an item in indecision for as long as I want. The most common deferment I hear for going out alone is that people fear they will be judged. I’ve never felt judged, but I’ve also never considered that I would be judged until I brought up going out alone in conversation. People, women especially, are quick to think they will be silently judged for anything they do. It sucks. I was the same; who hasn’t felt all eyes on them at some point. I think of the highschool I substitute teach at and the number of minutes some students need to hype themselves up to blow their nose at the door. You don’t want people to know you blow your nose, or something. I’m glad to be largely freed of that.